My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
