woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
