So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
