Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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