Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we're making bets on your personal life
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
