she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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