I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
