nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
