Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We're too hungover to prance.
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