I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
