sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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