he wants to bone in the snuggie
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
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