I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
