Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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