smell my finger.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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