it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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