***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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