I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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