dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
