he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
