So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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