apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
