I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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