my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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