i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
