i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
