Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
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Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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