Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
