So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
