how can u be prego again
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
