a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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