i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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