she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
how drunk are you?
Several
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
