Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
