I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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