If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
