by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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