Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
