Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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