shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
