Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
