dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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