i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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