If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
