I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
