She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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