Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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