My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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