Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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