When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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