just come out here and I will go home with you...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
