I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
