News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
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He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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