Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
