How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
