I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
