just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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