I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
