I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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