I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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